[Alicia Davis] Have you ever needed to give someone constructive feedback and you just have that pit in your stomach? Or have you ever been on the receiving end of constructive feedback, and even though it was constructive, you just got super defensive? What we want to talk about today is why that happens, and maybe offer a couple of strategies about making it a little bit more comfortable, right, Stacie?
[Stacie Watson] Yes, you know, I was meeting with some leaders a few months ago, and we were talking about this very topic. And we had a really interesting conversation about why constructive feedback is so hard. I mean, in theory, we would all want constructive feedback, we want to be, you know, doing well, and we want to improve. And yet, when we’re in that situation, I think what we notice is our biology kicks in, right? That there’s something very physiological that occurs when I feel threatened, even though I’m not maybe physically threatened, but there’s some threat to me as, you know, a person, as a professional, and it feels very much based in the way our brain works, right?
[Alicia Davis] That’s right. That’s right. We are hard-wired to look for danger or when we feel unsafe, right? And so when somebody is giving feedback, there’s this thing that goes off, like, oh, well, I’m not good enough or this doesn’t feel like it’s gonna be helpful. But it’s just it’s hard wiring, right? It’s the way the brain is connected to the nervous system. And if you have just even an inkling of, oh, this is going to be uncomfortable, this doesn’t feel safe, then all the defenses just immediately start kicking in. And it’s also why when we’re going to give what we think is constructive, helpful feedback that’s based on learning and helping the person grow, even though we know that I think we’ve all had these experiences both giving and receiving where it has just felt, just felt “ucky”. That’s my technical term. And so what do we do Stacie when we’re in this just reactivity of that? This doesn’t feel quite easy, or, okay.
[Stacie Watson] Well, I think when you’re the one delivering the feedback, there are – we’re going to talk, I think, in our next video, more specifically about the conversation – but just even leading up to the conversation, I think really being thoughtful about place and time, you know, trying to find moments to have that conversation where you can have kind of more confidentiality or more one-on-one experience, when maybe emotions aren’t elevated or escalated that we can sort of see in a calmer place. And I think remembering that this reaction is normal, it’s to be expected. And so being able to maybe balance whatever that constructive feedback is, with some positive feedback or more neutral feedback, I think it can be helpful to sort of just go into the conversation thinking about the full picture, as opposed to just focusing on the one thing or the two things that maybe aren’t working, I think for the leaders I was talking to, it was really helpful to just acknowledge that for all of us, this process can be challenging on both sides of the table.
[Alicia Davis] That’s right. And I think just to give ourselves a little bit of grace, a little bit of self-compassion ourselves and the people that we’re talking to, right, just trying to keep it as simple as possible, and as kind and supportive as possible, right?
[Stacie Watson] Absolutely.
[Alicia Davis] So I’m Alicia Davis.
[Stacie Watson] I’m Stacie Watson.
[Alicia Davis] We are the co-owners of Transformative Leadership Strategies and we invite you to learn more about our learning sessions. We have a whole series on communication, which includes this aspect of giving and receiving feedback. You can also email us at info@TLStransforms.com. So thanks so much for listening. Take care.
[Stacie Watson] Thank you so much.
